The Onceler and Sans' Extraordinary Adventure
by FoxyTehPiratePony87
Summary: When the Onceler meets Sans, they team up to find the man that killed Sans' former self, but little to his knowledge is that the Onceler has feelings for him.
1. Chapter 1

After travelling through miles of desert and land the Onceler's cart finally arrived at a rich valley full of trufula tree. The Onceler was so glad he had finally found the trees he needed that he pulled out his guitair and started playing it.

"This is it!" he sung "This is the plaaaace!"

Then immediately, animals came out from the trees including Minion fish and started singing along with him. This irritated the Onceler who in a fit of anger unsheathed his axe and brutally massacred all of them untill there was left only a bloody pile of hacked off limbs of teddy bears, ducks and minion fish.

"Fuckin' hell that was annoying" said the Onceler "But now I can finally cut down one of these trees to make a thneed. Then I can make a business off it and get loads of money and pussy."

With one slash at the trunk of the trufula tree, it fell down onto its side. The Onceler went to pick it up but he was startled by the sudden lightning that struck the stump of what once was a tree. Then out of the stump, flew up a mythical creature as old as time: The Lorax. Except the only thing was that it wasn't actually the Lorax, it was fucking sans.

"What the shit are you?" asked the onceler.

"i am sans the skeleton" he said "and i have a question for you. do you wanna have a bad time? because if you cut down another one of these trees you're gonna have a fucking terrible time."

"How bad could that time possibly be?" Replied the onceler, cockily "But anyway, I don't give a shit about your threats. I'm gonna cut down all the trees in this valley and become fucking rich"

"oh shit you're gonna get rich?" said sans "in that case i'll help you. i don't really give a fuck about the trees anyway."

"Fine" replied the Onceler "Get an axe and bring me all the trees you can chop"

"no need for that" said sans and immediately he summoned several gaster blasters which blasted the trees right out of the ground.


	2. Chapter 2

Two months had passed since Sans and the Onceler's first meeting and they had already become the most successfull businessmen on the planet. With more than a million thneeds sold the Onceler was happily relaxing in his gold-plated hot tub smoking a few marshmallows. He knew how successful he was and how far he'd come but he couldn't help to just feel like he was missing something in his life. Some emotion that business could not satisfy him.

"That feeling is called love." gently said a passing butterfly.

"Uhh. Love is an emotional process not an actual emotion you fucking idiot." replied the Onceler.

"I'm a talking butterfly who suddenly appeared next to you in your hot tub and read your mind. Was that seriously the first thing you fucking thought."

"Yes now get to the fucking point."

"You are missing love in your life. If you do not find your special one who will satisfy your love you will become a shell of your former self as your greed for more success and money corrupts your soul."

"How do I find my special one though."

"Well you have to think about everyone in your life. Whose mere apperance fills you with happiness and love and makes you dream of spending the rest of your life with them and their perfection."

"Well. I kinda think sans is really neat and all but we're business partners and... how do I know he feels the same way about me as I do him. He might just see me as a friend. He might secretly hate everything about me and just be sticking around me all this time to leech off my money. Do skeletons even have a LGBT or however many letters it is now."

"You have feelings for another male?" said the butterfly as if the onceler had just spat in his tiny insect face.

"Yeah. Kinda."

"But that would make you GAY!" Bellowed the butterfly at the top of it's rhopalocera lungs.

"Yes and... Do you have a problem with that!?" The Onceler said angrily

"YES I DO ACTUALLY" screamed the butterfly and pulled off it's face which was actually a mask to reveal it wasn't actually a butterfly at all, it was...

"OH NO IT'S MIKE PENCE" screamed the onceler. Mike Pence laughed manically and shot several lightning bolts out of his fingers into the Onceler's hot tub. The Onceler was electrocuted and immediately leapt out of the hot tub and ran for the door only to find that Mike Pence had locked it.

"YOU PEOPLE ARE A DISGRACE TO AMERICA" shouted Mike Pence as he cornered the Onceler and prepared a special lighting attack but before he could use it the Onceler picked up his axe and used it to split Mike Pence vertically clean in half and blood spurted everywhere.

"Phew that was a close one" said the Onceler as he wiped off the blood of the 48th Vice President of America off his face. He heart was racing. He knew what he had to do. He unlocked the door and ran straight through it into the other room where sans was lying on a couch watching EastEnders.

"Hey Sans I have something to tell you that I really need to get off my bac-"

"is that half of mike pence's cerebellum on your hat?" asked sans.

"What? Oh! Yeah. Nevermind. Anyway I've know you for a really long time, two months to be precise, and I feel like I've really gotten close to you the are somethings i've been meaning to ask you but i've held them all back because I wasn't sure how you'd reac-"

"OH FUCKING SHIT" shouted sans.

"What is it?"

"IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS SINCE I READ PAPYRUS HIS BEDTIME STORY! HE'S GOING TO BE PISSED OFF AS HELL!"

"Wait you have a brother?"

"COME WITH ME" sans said as he held the Onceler's hand. With this bodily contact with a friend he had grown to love, the Onceler's heart-beat rose to that of an extremely obese person and he started sweating and his body temperature rose incredibly but it was only around five seconds later after having recovered from this overwhelming action that he noticed that he was no longer in his comfy business mansion factory thing or what ever the fuck he lives in but standing underground on an even snowy terrain standing in front of a house covered in christmas lights.


	3. Chapter 3

"How the fuck is there snow if we're underground?" said the Onceler "And why the fuck do you have christmas lights on in August?"

"actually i think you'll find some caves can be so big that they can develop entire weather systems such as a cave system discovered in the chongquing province of china by a team of cavers which had a space so large it could contain a cloud. and as for the christmas lights, papyrus is just fucking retarded."

"That's not politacly correct!" exclaimed the Onceler.

Sans opened the door to his house to hear a large scream.

"SANS! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS SINCE I LAST EVEN SAW YOU NEVER MIND THE BEDTIME STORY." shouted Papyrus.

"alright. calm the fuck down."

"SWEARING ISN'T BIG OR FUNNY SO STOP USING TO MAKE YOU LOOK SMART BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK!"

"alright, alright. where did we get up to with this bedtime story?"

"CHAPTER 7 OF FIFTY SHADES DARKER!"

Papyrus was in his pajamas tucked in cosily in bed with the Onceler and Sans at his bedtime sitting on stools as sans finished reading Papyrus his bedtime story.

"sawyer opens the foyer door to let christian enter the apartment then shuts the door behind him and stands in front of it, staring impassively down at me. holy shit. christian! all manner of horrific outcomes run through my mind, but all I can do is stand and wait."

"CAN YOU READ ME ANOTHER CHAPTER?" said Papyrus with a smile on his face

"no fuck off"

"HEY SANS THERE'S BEEN SOMETHING BOTHERING ME RECENTLY. IT'S BEEN ABOUT DAD"

"oh no. please don't get started on dad again. i don't think my heart could take it even though i don't have a heart because i'm a fucking skeleton"

"Wait who is your dad." asked the Onceler

"find i'll tell you" sans replied "our father was a kind man he was the former royal scientist of the underground. he built the core which provides the underground with energy and his name was w.d. gaster."

"BUT WE JUST CALLED HIM HIS STREET NAME: SKELETOR"

"he always dreamed of owning castle grayskull and he was the nicest man i ever knew. but one day he was murdered. murdered by another skeleton who was a long enemy of him called reaper. dad hid us in the closet while he attempted to talk to him but... we saw him get murdered before our very eyesockets. the underground covered up his death with some story about falling into the core. he died saving us and i curse the reaper's name to this day"

Suddenly a transparent skeletal figure appeared in the room with them.

"Aww. Are you boys talking about me again." said the ghostly figure.

"DAD!?" cried both the skelebros

"Yes it is me your father." said skeletor "Now allow me to explain. Before I died I was working on an invention that I would keep on me at all times that would conserve my soul after death and allow me to come back as a ghost but due to glitch in the software I was not able to gain my ghostly form for another ten years. Ok it wasn't really a glitch i had just played around with the clock a bit. But anyway now that I have returned I want to tell you something sans"

"do you want me to avenge you by tracking down reaper and murdering him?"

"No not really. I've gotten over all that tbh. What he did was kind of justified, I mean he gave me a whole month to pay him back for that cocaine. But anyway this is more personally linked to you sans. I have something to reveal to you that you may not like. You are not actually a monster. Papyrus is my genetic son but I actually adopted you."

"WHAT!?" shouted sans.

"OH CRAP! NOW I OWE UNDYNE $50" said papyrus

"You see thirty years ago this very day I had taken Papyrus to a Pizzeria on the surface for his first birthday. I remember it clearly. I was sitting by the window stuffing my face with pizza that had pineapple on it-yeah shut the fuck up that shit tastes delicious- while Papyrus was with the other kids watching the robot bear thing sing. I remember looking out of the window to see a young boy wearing a striped t-shirt and a backwards cap on while swinging around a baseball bat. That child was you sans."

"Hah! So I was right!" said MatPat loudly who had climbed in through the window.

"Anyway it warmed my heart to see such a young boy enjoying himself so much. I even imagined my dear Papyrus playing with this boy and becoming friends. I was deep into these thoughts when a full-grown man wearing a purple mask and unitard with a yellow badge on ran up to the boy and shanked him with a knife 73 times and ran off into the distance. A tear rolled down my face as I saw the poor child stripped of his life and he collapsed onto the floor and bled out. When I was at home with Papyrus I could think of nothing else and that was when I decided I had to build a device that would restore life to the poor child. After many months I had finally completed the machine after testing it out on 47 snails, half a dozen rats and my uncle's cat. I went to dig up the body of the poor child but unfortunately by then, he had completely decomposed to be nothing more than a skeleton. So with a few modifications I used the machine to not only restore life to the child but fuse it's skeleton with my Papyrus' DNA so that it could function as a monster and be able to move and live as a skeleton. While I had completely restored the life and personality to him I failed to restore all his memories, therefore I knew I could not return the boy to his parents so instead I decided to adopt him as my own son to be Papyrus' big brother. And that my dear Sans is the truth I have been hiding from you for so long. I deeply apologise."

"what was that, i wasn't listening" said sans

"Nevermind! The important thing is while I do not want you to avenge my killer I see it as only right if you do so if you want to."

"WE SHALL DO SO FATHER" said Papyrus

"I'm in it too" said the Onceler " But how exactly will we find this 'purple man'"

"After spending my life searching for him I could not find any information about him whatsoever" said the ghost Skeletor "However I know a man who does know his whereabouts. He is dangerous though so you must be extremely careful."

"and who is this man" said sans

"The Greatest villain of all time" said skeletor "Number One in all the land: ROBBIE ROTTEN"

"robbie rotten?"

"Who did you expect? Sportaflop?"

"Come on Sans!" said the Onceler "Let's make this Purple prick bleed"

Skeletor bidded farewell to the skelebros and Onceler as Sans held hands with his brother and his secret admirer and teleported them all outside Mount Ebott.


	4. Chapter 4

"right then. there is a village a short walk away from here. it should have a pub in it and if there's anything i've learnt from video games it's that you always pick up information from random people at pubs and taverns"

"You play a lot of video games?" asked the Onceler

"yes there's three main facts of the underground that almost every monster knows. one: mettaton is pan-gender. two: mettaton is gender fluid. three: sans is really good at most video games"

"ASGORE HAS THEM TATTOOED ON HIS RIGHT BICEP" said Papyrus

The three walk for a while untill they arrived at Frogmorton in which they entered the Floating Log inn to find a greying man at the bar dressed in a velvet jacket.

"Hello there sir" said the Onceler

"Oh Hello there! Nice to meet ya! Am tha Dackta. The twelth dackta to be specific which is convinent az i've just dranken twelve fuckin' pints of bitter! Phew am gonna be huggin the toilet bowl tunite! Fuck me! *Hic* KLARAAAAA! KLARA WHERE ARE YE! YE'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THA TARDIS THERE'S A FUCKKIN DARLEK BEHIND YE. oh wait shit klara fookin died an I forgot about her or some shit like that i dun really rememeber the details of tha lass fuckin' series"

"Um. Yes that's nice to know but-"

"Oh wait i got a new fuggin compainion din't i!" mumbled the Doctor "It's that annoying bitch calld Bill cipher or what ever. Oh aye and Matt Lucas is another comanion ain't he. Ooh fuck me, fucking Stephen Moffat's sent this show down the shitter hadn't he god fucking damn him. Wait he's leaving soon aint he along with me. thank fuck i'm real tired of this shite. Ther's gunna a new writer ain't there? Apparently he wrote a few episodes of that Narrowsynagogue show hopefully he'll be less shite *Hicc*"

The Doctor then proceeded to throwup on Papyrus' timbs.

"Ok I apologise for wasting your time. You're clearly no help to us" said the Onceler

"NOW WAIT JUST A FOOKIN SECOND THERE LADDIE! I AM THE DACKTAA! I'm over *hicc* three thousands years or whatever old, I am the last of the Time Lords, I have saved galaxies upon galaxies, I have defeated armies of evil beings with my sheer mind alone, I am the saviour of this universe and just because I've had twelve pints and am now pissed out of my fucking mind does not make me any less of the man I truly am. (to avoid confusion with all the american scum reading i supposed i should classify that the term 'pissed' in britain means drunk opposed to the american meaning of really angry which is refered to in britain as 'pissed off' now could all you americans out there learn to speak english fucking properly please) now what the fuck do you need help with."

"we're looking for a man named 'robbie rotten'" said sans

"OH FOR FUCK SAKE! ENOUGH WITH THAT FOOKIN MEME IT'S LIKE SIX MONTHS OLD NOW"

"no you don't understand. this man has information to the man who killed my former self"

"Oh fine whatever. Now that ye mention it I did meet a guy named Robert recently. He kepts insistin that i ate as much junk food as *hic* possible and did absolutely no sport. despite his extreme views on being lazy he's still in a fucking great condition. I met him in a town called 'Lazytown' it's about half a mile from here and only has about six fucking people living in it, most of which are children with a strangely rubbery appearance. The mayor's a good fuckin' bloke tho i had a pint or two with him."

"thank you for that information so much" said sans "farewell doctor"

"OH AND ONE MORE THING! HAVE YE EVER NOTICED THAT STEPHEN MOFFAT THOUGH IT WAS ACTUALLY A FUCKING GOOD IDEA TO REPLACE MY FUCKING SCREWDRIVER WITH A PAIR OF FUCKING SUNGLA-" and with this the Doctor fell off his chair and passed out of the floor in a puddle of his own vomit as sans, Papyrus and the Onceler left for lazytown.


End file.
